I’ve come to realize that my identity was heavily dependent on a man’s perception of whom I should be, so with each new male energy, I became someone new. At first it was simple: my glasses on or off? Then my hair went from straight, to curly, to braids. Next was how I dressed and finally how much I cooked and cleaned. This transitioned into adding or subtracting pounds, how little or much I talked, to how I did not feel beautiful if I didn’t meet his expectations for the day! I always knew this behavior was unhealthy and was a sign of self-hate but I had no clue how to love myself. I mean, how could I? Growing up being both black and a female in the projects of the Bronx offered no assistance to little black girls like me.
As I had gotten older I realized that this self-destructive behavior was rooted in daddy issues. Until the age of 12 I had a dad who didn’t really play the role correct. I don’t remember him ever making me feel like “Daddy’s Little Princess” or special in any way- no date nights, movie nights or even a push on the swing. All I could remember is NOT ever wanting to be in his presence during those few moments he did attempt to not drop me with his mother. (Crazy how the need and understanding of love is innately programmed into us and we can feel the affects at such young ages). His girlfriend’s sons introduced to me to a whole new level of male manipulation and abuse; stories I still hate to admit.
Around age 15 my mom introduce me to my real father and it was the most estranged feeling ever. Coming into HIS house with HIS wife, and meeting HIS children was such an identity crisis as I struggled to “feel” accepted. It didn’t help that his personality was more of an introvert and that he lived 19 hours away. I couldn’t get those “Daddy Princess” moments I missed out on back. Over the years the layers of resentment and abandonment peeled back as one of my sisters became my best friend, and I found some solace in my dad’s presence.
The relationship with my dad changed once again when I told him I was pregnant at the age of 18. In so many “polished words” he said that my life wouldn’t amount to anything- at least that’s how I took it and we didn’t speak much until after my son was born. So I made it my business to prove everyone wrong who had fallacies about my ability to be a successful teen mom.
All of this time I projected this fatherly need for acceptance and love onto the men I was dating. Most of them broken like me, suffering from their own daddy issues; continued this cycle of subconscious, unintentional verbal and mental abuse. Leaving me feeling like there was something wrong with me, and that I had to do more to somehow keep the next one. I had no understanding whatsoever of the poisonous energy cords/spirits I was connecting myself to (lust, greed, manipulation to name a few). These relationships taught me to tell you what I thought you wanted to hear (lie) because my voice didn’t really matter, my thoughts/opinions didn’t matter and that my body damn sure wasn’t mine. Being ruled by the planet of communication I was one Gemini who couldn’t talk about the things that mattered the most and it killed me at the core. Effective communication- something I have to continuously work on and have yet to master, if there is even a such thing.
Seeking self-help for these issues outside of my Christian background led me to crystals, understanding my chakras, burning sage, and tarot cards. All things which my religion told me was wrong, but for me, was the only thing that seemed to ACTUALLY work. Christianity didn’t help me understand my Goddess power or even admit that the black woman existed first. It didn’t teach me to look within myself to really find God- true happiness.
Now I am at a place where I have forgiven myself, accept myself and really love whatever face I decide to put on for the day because I chose to. I understand universal laws and my purpose in this life. I AM my own and I AM the only one with the power to fill that daddy void, not him! Nor any of the him’s that came along! No longer does someone else hold the power to influence my SELF- esteem. I AM Goddess, I AM Queen, and I AM Divine- no one can treat me less than those three. No longer am I Doing It For Daddy!
Healing begins with forgiveness.